I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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