you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
send nudes
from the living room?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
