did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
