Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
