Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
