Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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