just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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