anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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