Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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