You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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