I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I would fuck him just for his dog
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