you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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