mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
