i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
