she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
