You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
