Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
