The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
His nipple licking is glorious
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