I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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