My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
