I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
