I'm really into asian looking animals
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
