My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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