I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
