Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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