After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
