My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
