drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
