I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
