if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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