i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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