No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I didn't notice because vodka
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Randomize
