He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
