I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
not ubering you a puppy
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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