I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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