Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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