I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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