Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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