Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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