How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You need Xanax blowdarts
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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