oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
