im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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