Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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