There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
True strength comes from lack of pants
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
