you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
