Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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