I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
