Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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