her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Sober January is a disaster.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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