What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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